I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
