i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
