chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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