Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
