i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
