i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
