waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
