I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
