I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
