You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
