Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
