He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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