so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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