Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My cat gives me a boner
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
