Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
