he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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