That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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