I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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