before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
