I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
