I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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