Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We need a shit load of segways right now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
