Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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