You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
