If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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