I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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