I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
