So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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