I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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