We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
