R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
