nut hugger
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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