I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I party with great urgency now.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
