I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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