i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i barfeds in our rink
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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