Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
