I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My vagina is very pro this idea
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
