I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
