How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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