So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
