Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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