"it" just moved
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
