You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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