She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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