Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
