When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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