apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
