11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
