Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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