im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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