My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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